Origins

I've been spending a lot of time lately meditating on the decisions I've made and how they've impacted my life. If I could travel back in time and tell myself to make different decisions, would I? Yes, there are things that I would change, but I wouldn't want to impact the birth of my spawn so I wouldn't risk it. That being said, the mere thought exercise seems like a fine way of figuring out the "origins of my suffering", to look at this from a Buddhist perspective. If I figure out why I decided what I decided, and why I'm unsatisfied, perhaps I could use that knowledge as self-discovery and guide my future decisions. It's been an interesting (and on-going) process, but that's not what I'm going to write about today.

In an adjunct to this process, I tried to think about times when I've been truly happy. It's easy to romanticize the past, but looking at things objectively it seems that I've rarely actually been satisfied. Every stage has more joy than sorrow, but when I actually examine my day-to-day memories, there's always something missing. Perhaps the difference between then and now is that I was working towards a goal which gave me purpose (see previous post). However, I'm beginning to think that finding a new goal isn't the answer. It seems like it's more of a construct or a coping mechanism to give me structure to get by. My ultimate failing is that I always want to do new things. The second that I'm good at something, I want to do something totally different. What this says to me is that working towards a goal is a crutch, and that while maybe finding a new target will get me through this period in my life, it likely won't solve the underlying pathology.

I think this is a common failing that different people deal with in different ways. My father went from hobby to hobby to hobby - becoming obsessed and discarding the old as they became stale. This was physically manifested by a bunch of half-finished house projects - which in some ways is the imagery that best reflects my life choices. Admittedly, my own story is a bit more fluid, but the parallel is still there. I think a lot of people deal with basal lack of satisfaction in their lives by looking for meaning - frequently through religion. If there is an afterlife, that's what matters, and you don't have to deal with your problems now. But again, that's avoidance. How can I find peace in my life in every moment? That answer should apply regardless of whether I'm a scientist or a business person or a stay at home mom. Peace/contentment comes from within and isn't affected by a Nobel prize or doing the laundry.

So really, is what I'm missing 'inner peace'? Do I need to join a monastery and meditate all day - not worrying about what to where or eat and just focusing on the moment? Honestly, that's very appealing. Back to my 'happy moments' - I think the happiest time for me was when I was writing my dissertation. I woke up and started writing. I'd take breaks to work out or play the piano, but basically I wrote from 6 am to at least midnight every day. I only thought about one thing. It was a completely meditative in the moment process, and as such it was pure. It's funny - even as a kid my dream was to have a cabin by myself in the woods by myself and write. But of course, I have the Breadwinner and the Spawn and I choose not to leave my life behind. Is it possible to have peace without disregarding duty and love? Fetters, I know, but fetters that I'm not ready to leave behind. The struggle, perhaps more noble than the cabin in the woods or the monastery in the mountains, is to find peace and live in the moment within society - to be able to transition from each separate type of activity and maintain that core of focus. I need to be not only mindful, but attentive to everything I do.

I know, I'm using a bunch of Buddhist buzz words here. This isn't a pro-Buddhist tract - and I'm not affiliated with any religion. Just trying to couch my internal debate in a framework that may apply. These things I'm talking about take effort and time. We'll see if I progress or not.

Blog off the Shelf

I can't believe that it's been over a year since I posted here. Stress? Happiness? Overwhelmed with time concerns? Let's see where I was and where I'm going...

1) I was pregnant with Spawn #2, had a new editorial job offer, and was deciding whether or not to take it.
2) The Breadwinner was in a position that was scheduled to end in April and I didn't want to rock the boat for him.

Things have gone smashingly well. I took the new job and started right after my maternity leave from my old position (with the blessings of my older employers - who are truly wonderful). It turns out I am good at the position, and, what's more, I actually enjoy it. It's more scientifically involved (and higher profile) than my old job, I feel like I'm constantly learning new things and being challenged, and the offices are in a centralized downtown location that gets me out of some of the Suburban Hell blahs. I also get to travel to fun (and some not so fun) locales.

Spawn 2 was born (is almost a year old already) and is just as demanding, if not more so, than Spawn 1, but he's definitely a positive addition to the family. Things were tough for a while before Spawn 2 could sit up or sleep through the night, but I think I've got a handle on this whole virtual single Mom of 2 kids thing now. The Spawn play well together so far, although I don't get to see them as much as I would like because of my commute (45 minutes one way). I frequently fantasize about telecommuting, especially since I sometimes come in and don't see anyone all day, but I worry that I would be less motivated working from home so am stalling the decision...

The Breadwinner has a new job - the one he wanted with a higher salary in the field he wants to be in. It even has the bonus of having offices both where we currently live and where our family is. Deciding where to live is giving both of us ulcers - it's so much nicer here and my job is here, but there's something to be said for being near family. Surprisingly, I'm leaning towards the leaving and I think he's leaning towards staying. I feel somewhat obligated to let the Spawn see their Grandparents/cousin(s?) on a pretty frequent basis; it would be nice to be nearby when the Breadwinner or I travel; and who really wants to have to fly home every holiday, especially with 2 kids? Plus, I always like a change.

Yet with all of these positives, I'm still not content. Perhaps I'm just not designed that way (evolutionarily - I'm not advocating intelligent design here). I like my job on a day to day basis, and it's interesting - way better than any other position I've ever had and even exactly what I want - but I'm still not passionate about it. I'm happy but not driven. My personal life revolves around the Spawn and Spawn-related chores (laundry, ironing, preparing food, straightening the house). Thank goodness for my housekeeper or I would go batty. Yes, I know, I lead a pretty good life, and I'm constantly grateful for that.

Is it possible to be both depressed and happy at the same time? I'm not sad at all, but after "bedtime" all I want to do is collapse on the couch, put on some mindless program (I prefer USA for some reason) and snack. Ah, emotional eating - I eat because I get pleasure out of being self-destructive. Which of course explains why I haven't lost all my baby weight. I'm only reading half an hour a day - which is insanely low for me. I haven't painted in over a year, and my novel has languished even longer. I rarely go to the theatre (except to see George or Elmo) and haven't been to the opera in 3 years. It's as though my life is undergoing autophagy - I'm cannibalizing all of my other interests for the Spawn. Or maybe more like a spore - I'm shutting down all unnecessary activities in the interest of survival. OK - that's overly melodramatic for a person who's actually happy 95% of the time.

It's completely understandable that instead of going to picnic wine tastings, I now go to T-ball and swim lessons. And I actually like doing those things. I know as Spawn 2 gets older, we'll be able to go on trips together and actually go camping or engage in more interesting activities. It's just tough right now, but I worry that when I get through this time of young kids, I won't want to be ME anymore because I won't know how. You see, the problem with young kids is that they require your presence. They have early bedtimes and require constant supervision. I can't just join a bookclub because I would need someone there after they were asleep. And I just can't seem to make the leap to get a nanny to watch them after school because I'm afraid I would never see them myself. Teenagers always complain about how "uncool" their parents are and wonder why, since they used to be cool. It's because of the kids. Having a baby, tailoring your interests and activities to young children, saps all of the fun out of you. So when they get old enough to want to do fun things, you've forgotten how.

But I keep on hoping that I don't actually need to be a spore - that I can do some things for myself (other than the occasional date night with the mostly traveling Breadwinner). I think about the things that I used to do that I enjoyed, and I realize that I now need to really schedule them into my life. I need to exercise everyday, especially when I'm tired. I need to only eat when I'm hungry, not as some sort of compensation for a "tough day". Food is not a reward. I need to read instead of watching television, take a night and paint, and maybe work on my novel (starting one night a week). Where does the sleep come in here? That's what I don't know. What I really need is to regain my confidence. I've started my Chinese CDs again on my commute (may go to China in a couple of months), and I feel good about that already. I'm also starting Nutrisystem - it'll be good to regain some control of my life. I've been thinking of finding a Buddhist temple and joining to see if some structured religion would help. But then - I can't do anything that involves leaving the kids. Maybe an online Buddhist support group?

What would really help personally would be having a nearby and reliable babysitter. I think that's why the whole "moving near family" thing is so appealing to me. One of the grandparents could hang out with the Spawn while I went to the theatre, or even just took a relaxing bubble bath. I don't remember the last time I showered without S2 trying to climb in. It's so needed that sometimes I think about having a Grandparent move in with us, although adding to the hecticness with an additional person probably isn't the solution.

So why am I writing this today? It wasn't to complain about what is really quite an idyllic existence. I'm starting to become not satisfied with my job. And, for the first time, I'm starting to get bored with science in general. I no longer want to go back to the lab - I want to do something completely and shockingly new. Like business, or mathematics (definitely leaning this way), or medicine, or engineering. If only I could make the transition to one of these without a lot of school and expense... This is why I'm writing about my pretty decent personal life. I need something to keep me interested in my life so that I don't focus on my career as the driving passion. I need to improve who I am so that I don't worry so much about what I do.

I frequently think about how fleeting life is and how that living your life in a holding pattern may be the ultimate sin. And here I am living that sin - passing day by day, having fun but waiting for something - I don't know what. It's actually almost a good Buddhist existence - being content with what you have. But there's definitely something missing - I think it's because I'm not working towards anything. I miss having the overarching goal to provide structure and focus. I haven't had that goal since I got my PhD, and I've been floundering for meaning ever since. I've tried imposing fake goals - weight loss, writing a novel, etc, but I know they're impositions and so they fail. I guess the end question is what do I truly want to achieve? All of these personal improvements or professional questions are just side-stepping the issue. Nothing material - money is necessary but not in inspiration. It needs to be an intellectual goal. I'll have to meditate on it.

Job Transition While Spawning

I think I've decided to take the new position. My conflict comes not from the decision to take the job itself, but from my ennui. It seems stressful to have to alter work environments with a new little one at home (they'll let me start after my leave and I'll take on some contract work before then). I just kind of want to sit back right now, wait, and enjoy the status quo. Which is what I think makes me have to take the job. Complacency has always been a major weakness of mine - I blossom in high-stress high-performance environments. I'm definitely one of those people who "plays to their competition", or in this case, performs to the demands of my position. The Breadwinner agrees, and we'll find a way to make the commute thing work - whether it's a new school for the kids closer to my office or a nanny at home.

At the end of the day, I want to go back to the lab. What would I do if I had 20 million dollars? Go back to the lab. What would I do if I didn't have kids? Go back to the lab. The only things preventing me from pursuing science are time and money (both of which are in short supply in a scientific career). I think that's the reason this doesn't feel exactly right. Nothing will ever feel right except exchanging my life for science. But I'm giving editing one more shot, and the added responsibilities and higher pressure environment should help.

The key question remaining is when do I tell my current boss. My first inclination is to tell her immediately so they have time to prepare for my absence/find a replacement if they intend to do that (doubtful). I would be willing to do some contract work for a while to help them out. The problem of course is this may backfire in a major way. I have enough sick days/annual leave to get paid through my leave. But what if they decide to terminate me beforehand (and cut out my insurance???) I can't be uninsured while pregnant or with a newborn... I truly like the people I work with and don't want to screw them over, but I can't seem to find a compromise between the two situations. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Interviewing While Spawning - Offer

I got an offer. Why do I not feel excited? It's clearly beneficial career-wise and not beneficial personally. They want me to start immediately. What do I do? I've tried to get my start date pushed back a bit, but I won't get paid for my time off. Plus, I feel like a traitor to my current position and boss, especially as they've been so good to me even though my job will be changing drastically. Would they be happy to lose the extra salary? Crap. More later.

Interviewing While Spawning - Still Waiting

It's now been 3 weeks, and I feel that my personal situation is distinctly different from what it was 3 weeks ago. I have 6.5 weeks until my due date. Even assuming 1) I get an offer tomorrow (they're calling my references) and 2) I like it and want to accept it, how would the negotiations work out? After I give my 2 week notice, do I then start the new job only 1.5 weeks from my good-to-go date or can I get them to wait to start me until after my leave (like mid-Sept/early Oct). The job is definitely far superior to my current position skills-wise, but I have a number of deal-breaker concerns. 1) The $$ would have to be better to compensate for my commute expenses. 2) My benefits would have to start immediately, can't not have benefits as a pregnant woman. 3) Do I get paid for my leave? Probably not, although I've accrued enough time here... Many things to discuss if I get an offer. What frustrating timing - these things would have been much less of an issue a month ago!

I guess the question is, if they want me, will they be patient and wait for me? And considering (always) the Breadwinner's tenuousness, is it a good idea to commit to something new right now? If my current position weren't going to be seriously altered by the end of the year (for the negative), I'd definitely say 'no'. Plus, I have loyalty to my employers. I wonder if they'd take me as a contract worker for a while until they can find someone else to fill my role...

Interviewing while Spawning - an Update

Had my second round interview on Friday. I think it went well, although not 100% stellar. I had a clear conversation about my whole spawning plans, which I think eased some concerns. I walked out of there wanting the job, and truly feel that the decision on if I get it or not will depend on the quality of the other candidates and not my personal situation. But if I get it, do I want it? There's the rub. The commute is 45 minutes driving (1 hour on the train), which might be tough with the kids. There's more travel. The responsibilities are more to my taste, and I would get to be more of a scientist, but there would also be more work. Should I mess with a good personal situation for an unknown?

Some plusses - a lot of people work remotely, so if the Breadwinner ended up moving next year, I could go with him. Less likely in my current position. The Breadwinner is actually looking at something in the same direction of my commute - maybe we could move closer? Definitely scientifically more challenging and interesting - I miss a higher stress environment. Plus, I'd be able to tell if I actually don't like editing or if its just my current job that rubs me the wrong way.

Minuses - again - time for the kids, distance from home, higher stress position. Plus, there's something about spawning that makes me not want to undergo another major change right now.

Eh, I'm not going to think about this in any detail until I see if I get an offer or not. Wish me luck!

Spawning and Job Hunting - Part 3

Well, despite my misgivings, I've managed to land a second round interview in a couple of weeks. I still feel ambivalent about the job (good career move with more interesting responsibilities and possibility for advancement; definitely more inconvenient personally - especially since it's in the opposite direction from The Breadwinner's commute AND his job situation is tenuous). I actually kind of enjoy being ambivalent (unlike my decision over the teaching position, which was torturous) - it makes me more confident.

Turns out they want me to give a scientific talk (which I used to be able to do in my sleep, but I'm a little removed from at this point). We'll see how it goes - it might actually be fun to get back into the nitty gritty of my research again. I've been responding to requests to help people replicate my work and really going through my old files and data lately. It's intoxicating, and I worry that the old life is going to draw me back in against my will. I'm a natural problem solver, and an open question is just tantalizing. Yet I have to be practical as well, and 90 hour weeks for minimal money doesn't exactly put me in good stead as a parent. The only worry is that when I'm finally personally ready to go back, nobody's going to want me anymore.

But enough dreaming about science. I'm even larger now that at my last interview (nearly a month ago), and I've decided to bring up my spawning situation if there's any discussion at all about timing. I guess ideally if I'm offered and decide to accept the job, I could start AFTER my maternity leave, but that seems like a pretty big stretch. But first things first - time to prepare that talk!