No More Excuses

For over a year now, I've been unhappily employed in a job that doesn't challenge me and pays more poorly than I would like. The perks are great - I work short hours, work from home a day a week, have a short commute, and get to spend a lot of time with the Spawn. However, you'll notice that all of these 'perks' are actually about me NOT being at work, and not about the job itself.

I've maintained this employment out of both ennui and fear. I've gotten used to the easy lifestyle and lack of challenge, and worry that I wouldn't be a success in a more difficult endeavor - something that required creativity and hard-work. While I would inevitably be more fulfilled in another position, would I be as happy in my life if I again had to work on the weekends/all night? Who would take care of the Spawn? With no family here, and the Breadwinner working over an hour away, I am the primary caregiver. Our budget is already tight without having to hire a nanny to supplement his school time, and is it really fair of me to never see him?

In addition, there's the added pressure of making the right decision - what direction do I try to head now that I can move on? I don't want to pursue ANOTHER career path where I'm unhappy.

I've been using the Breadwinner as an excuse to not consider this deeply. First his unemployment/job search and then his New Venture (now failed) gave me hope that he'd take the decision out of my hands and that I'd be restricted in my choices by us moving. But now it looks like we're going to be here for a couple of years, and I can't justify continuing to procrastinate.

What would I like to do? I think I'd like to teach at a small liberal arts school. Although I should be qualified, judging by the complete lack of response from my Visiting Professor application, this may not be a viable option currently. There are no local positions being advertised because of the bad economy (and the compensation for these positions is very low even if they were advertised). Plus, I have the distinct impression that my editorial role makes me LESS qualified that a FOL (Fresh Out of Lab) postdoc.

The questions then becomes, how do I position myself to get the new 'dream job' (decent hours married to intellectual stimulation with the rewards of challenging young minds)? I could do some adjunct teaching at local community colleges to build up my teaching credentials. But that's a part-time solution to a full-time problem, more a stop-gag measure while I'm job hunting than an active strategy. I think the best answer, of course, is to suck it up and do another postdoc. But I don't WANT to do another postdoc. Even though I really enjoyed my postdoc, just the thought of the low-pay indentured servitude makes me shudder. I was so happy to escape when I took this position (which in retrospect I realize that I liked more for the fact that it wasn't a postdoc than the merits of the job itself) that it will take a major mental leap to go back.

Therein lies the conundrum. I likely can't get the job I want currently and absolutely hate the thought of doing what I need to do to get there. There are alternative career options, which I'm exploring. I could use my science background in business/government in some way. I apply for these jobs often - mostly because I don't really qualify and/or care either way. The danger with this route is that it's what stuck me in my current situation - a negative driving force (leave the bad job), rather than a positive driving force (go to the new job). I'm also considering trying to be a staff scientist - which is like a full-time career postdoc. This position scares me a bit - doesn't have the grant writing pressure of a full-time PI, but definitely lacks some of the pizzazz. Could I do that a couple of years and then transition to a teaching/tenure-track role? If so, it may be the most viable choice (if I qualify) for my transition period between when the Spawn is still young and when he's older and I can again dedicate my entire life to science.

I guess that's my problem in a nutshell. I truly want to be a scientist. If I had no other claims on my time/affections I would spend all of my time thinking about and performing research. But I have the Breadwinner and the Spawn, and I'm just not willing to be that person who sacrifices their family. I know I keep coming back to this, but I just don't think it's possible to do science (for me at least) without committing every single thought to it - for me science is all-encompassing. People talk about work-life balance, but for some people, work is life. I would rather do nothing at all than do something half-assed.

I guess the current plan is to continue applying to positions that I don't really qualify for and see what turn up. After the new year, I'm going to suck it up and find a postdoc, as much as I don't want to. I just can't waste anymore time.