Starting over - 2008 in review

To all of my loyal readers (apparently I do actually have one - how did you find this Genna?):

The end of a year always causes me (and just about everyone else) to sit back and re-evaluate all of the decisions, both good and bad, that I've made. What it comes down to is this year was both the best and the worst year of my life (closely vying with the 2005 White Sox World Series Championship and 2006 with my successful thesis defense and trips to Africa and Cambodia on the good side, and 1991-2 with my incredible Junior High Trauma on the bad side).

2008 started out looking up - the Breadwinner had a job offer, the Spawn was born (definitely the coolest thing that's ever happened to me), we bought our first house, my postdoc was going well, my paper got accepted into a pretty prestigious journal, and we moved halfway across the country to start our new life together as a family.

Then the shit hit the fan (as well as the wall, the carpet, and my hands - the Spawn is quite a prolific pooper). The Breadwinner lost his job, our savings evaporated, we realized that we're going to lose more money on our house than most people even spend on their houses, and my current position (while good with the Spawn) is completely uninspiring (to put it mildly).

So what lessens have I learned from the downward toilet bowl spiral (filled with chunky vomit)that has become my life?

1) Listen to the signs. Yes, it's worth it to take risks (and I'm sure we still will), but sometimes there are things you can't ignore. Like when we were deciding between moving to the West coast and the East coast last Dec and our 2 potential cities were a head-to-head match in the playoffs. "Give me a sign", I requested from CoinFlip, the Vegas-based god of football past. The West Coast team won - and here we are on the East Coast. I think CoinFlip's so pissed that he's personally had a hand in our plumbing, water heater, and now (yes, it's true) dryer problems.

2) Don't compromise your integrity (I'm talking about my career here). If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. There's a reason people who's career is their passion work horrible hours and never see their families. Selling out is seen as a bad thing for a reason. Making more money and working fewer hours at the expense of challenge, passion, dedication, immersion - it just ain't worth it. Do I really want the Spawn to see me as some empty-shelled nobody - how will that inspire him to be great himself? You can't give up on your own life and dreams just because you procreate. Don't buy into the suburban ideal.

3) I really hate the suburbs. I miss the city with every cell in my body. When I returned to that stinky, dirty, noisy cesspool over the holidays - complete with yellow snow and crazy busdrivers, I almost cried with joy. Wherever we move (even if we end up staying here), I'm likely to live in the suburbs again because of cheaper prices, better schools, and more space, but I HATE IT. I hate having to drive everywhere, to not be able to walk out your door and get a cab. I hate not having every restaurant I could ever want to eat at within 5 blocks of my apartment. I hate that I know my neighbors (who I actually like) and that the checkout person in the grocery store recognizes me. Most of all, I hate the feel of the suburbs - the slow pace, the politeness, the sense that we're all in this together, the NORMALNESS of it all. It's like my current job - it all sounds good but there's just something missing.


OK lessens learned (hopefully, although I'm sure more mistakes will be made). On to the future...

Do I still have hope? Do I still think things work out for the best? Yeppers. You betcha. Me and Sarah Palin both. Even though I found myself googling Job and the plagues of Egypt, I think we'll get through this relatively unscathed. We'll see if I still feel that way in August, but for right now all I can think is that 2009 HAS to be better than the second half of 2008.

A look ahead - the road to recovery

This is what I hope will happen in 2009:

1)The Spawn starts to walk, demonstrates his obvious but hidden until now genius, and outgrows his food allergies that will otherwise condemn him to a life on par with bubble boy.

2)The Breadwinner lives up to his name, finds a position quickly, and we can wipe the slate clean, learning our lessens but moving forward from the second half of 2008.

3)This one I'm a little ambivalent on. Part of me doesn't want to move b/c of the extreme monetary loss on the house (and one of the Breadwinner's potential jobs involves us staying here) - it's just so much easier and practical. The less rational, but much larger, part of me however really wants to get the Hell out of Dodge, shake the dust off my shoes as I leave this place and never turn back. It's really not my town's fault that I hate it here, and perhaps I could get over it, but I've always been one for abrupt goodbyes.

4)I want a job where I'll be happy, or minimally, challenged. The length of this post alone demonstrates my lack of current commitment to my work. I want to write a book, or get my cool new travel channel show that I'll pitch after the New Year (seriously - how cool would it be if I had a show where my family travelled around to really exotic places together, showing the viewership how to have adventure vacations with kids economically and in an environmentally friendly manner). More likely, I want to do another postdoc, or teach at a small liberal arts university (although I worry now that wouldn't satisfy me either). Honestly, I want to cure cancer or create a new vaccine for malaria. I want to discover something about stem cells that allows for neurogeneration so that people with Parkingson's and spinal cord damage can be cured. I want to come up with a new type of gene therapy that will help children with congenital diseases like cystic fibrosis or muscular dystrophy. Is that really so much to ask? Even if I fail (which is likely), I want to have a career where I have the potential of being great. My cool application to the Department of Homeland Security would fit the bill (although I doubt I'll hear from them).

Anyway, enough pipe dreams. I wish everyone the best in 2009, we'll just have to see what the future holds.

Stress May Make You Itch

Berlin, Germany — Current research suggests that stress may turn on immune cells in your skin, resulting in inflammatory skin disease. The related report by Joachim et al., “Stress-induced Neurogenic Inflammation in Murine Skin Skews Dendritic Cells towards Maturation and Migration: Key role of ICAM-1/LFA-1 interactions,” appears in the November issue of The American Journal of Pathology.

Skin provides the first level of defense to infection, serving not only as a physical barrier, but also as a site for white blood cells to attack invading bacteria and viruses. The immune cells in skin can over-react, however, resulting in inflammatory skin diseases such as eczema and psoriasis.

Psychological stress directly effects skin through the “brain-skin connection”, resulting in common stress-induced responses such as excessive sweating or flushing. In patients suffering from inflammatory skin conditions, stress can either trigger or increase the severity of outbreaks.

Researchers lead by Dr. Petra Arck of Charité, The University of Medicine Berlin, hypothesized that stress could exacerbate skin disease by increasing the number of immune cells in the skin. In order to test this hypothesis, they repeatedly exposed mice to sound stress. Dr. Arck’s group found that exposure to stress resulted in higher numbers of mature white blood cells in the skin. Furthermore, blocking the function of two proteins that attract immune cells to the skin, LFA-1 and ICAM-1, prevented the stress-induced increase in white blood cells.

Taken together, the data from Joachim et al suggest that immune cells may “play a pivotal role in initiating and perpetuating skin inflammation in response to stress.” Future studies will aim to identify how stress turns on immune cells, with the goal of preventing this response in people with chronic skin disease.

Musings...

Am currently in the interview process for a business-y job that will utilize my scientific knowledge. I don't think the money (not significantly higher than what I'm making now) is worth it, but at the same time I'm miserable in my current position and could use a change. Plus, maybe it would position me for the sweet VC job I dream of. (That is, unless my dream position at the DHS in the Obama administration comes through - fat chance). I'm still leaning toward another post-doc, but the whole process is on hold b/c of the lack of direction from The Bread Winner. Oh - I originally started this blog to talk about cool papers I've read, and I've fallen from that so hopefully next week will be a brand new start.

Oh F***

I don't know whether it's mommyhood or my new dull position that have changed me, but I seem to have lost a bit of my edge.

An illustrative example. I had an incredibly productive 2 year postdoc, and we sent the primary paper out of my work to one of the top 2 high profile journals. For those not familiar with the paper submission process, like with everything in life, people usually aim for the top and then continually re-evaluate until they settle into their appropriate level. I actually thought that we had a pretty good shot, but I'm a pessimist at heart and didn't even bother to get my hopes up.

My old mentor called me at my new job one day a couple of months ago - strange in itself - to tell me the news. It got in! She was understandably excited, but it turns out she had made a bet with my labmates about what I would say when I heard the news. She had chosen 'Oh F***!'. I mean, my BOSS thought I was going to say that (and she would have been right if I hadn't known that other people would hear me in my sub-par work environment). My actual response 'No Way!' definitely pailed in comparison. Where has all my grit gone?

Not exactly the Mom type

So I've decided to go back and do another postdoc. Am I condemning myself to Parent Hell? Probably. (In Parent Hell, you're surrounded by crying children who look at you with big accusing eyes and scream 'Mama, I miss you'). It's going to suck both for me and the Spawn to not be able to see each other, but I just keep thinking about what he'll think of me as a person. I want him to be proud of me for both what I do AND who I am, and there's no way he's going to respect me if I don't respect myself. I guess sometimes you have to lead by example. I still don't know what the long-term goal is, but it isn't my Milton-like lifestyle in the back storeroom with my big stapler.

The main obstacle now that I've decided to get back on track (if you don't believe in destiny, see my Mouse in the House post - it's been 3 weeks and still no more sightings) is location, location, location. We can't sell the house b/c we've sunk our savings in it, and the imminent unemployment of the Breadwinner makes a national search necessary. Ideally, we'll move back to our hometown and I'll pick up in my old lab where I left off, but who knows if that's possible or not. It's a good thing I'm flexible, but I've been letting the Breadwinner make all of the major decisions for a while now and I'm beginning to think maybe I should take the driver's seat for a while. Hopefully he finds something soon and we can put this whole experience behind us.